Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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