I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
