so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
