He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
