I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
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She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
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You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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