there's paper in my vomit.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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