I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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