I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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