I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
