I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just sent this text using only my big toe
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
