Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
