remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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