peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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