Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
