there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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