thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
