thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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