Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
