I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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