Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
