omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
