it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
