I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
