well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
