stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
