I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
