I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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