my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Randomize
