there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
