this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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