i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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