dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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