She went from zero to smokin in five shots
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
