Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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