You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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