Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize