If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
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