I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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