dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
