Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
