trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
