Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
