Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
