Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
