Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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