no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We just shotgunned beers for America
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
