Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
