You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
