I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
