I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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