laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
