mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
