you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
