Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
