the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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