I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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