If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
