i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
