those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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