Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Randomize
