i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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